Guilt and Memory
by shanejayell
Summary: At her lowest point, Ritsuko nearly does something horrible. Can Misato save her from herself?


Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion, I'm just borrowing them for awhile. The opening scene is based on a sequence of events from the eighth manga, with some edits by me.

Guilt and Memory

Ritsuko Akagi felt anger pound in her veins, the blonde haired woman looking at the wall as she said, "Just a doll- that's all I thought... but I stand impressed. Both father and son, wrapped around your little finger."

Rei Ayanami looked at Ritsuko for a moment, then surprisingly answered back, "I... I'm not a doll." She continued quietly, "It's true that I only liked Commander Ikari but isn't that the same as you, Dr Aka..."

Ritsuko spun around, the furious expression on her face making Rei stumble to a hault. Clutching her sethescope in her hands Ritsuko charged forward, wrapping the rubber around the girl's throat and tightening it mercilessly.

Rei scrambled, grabbing at the tubes as she gurgled, "Hnk..."

Ritsuko gazed at her teeth bared in a snarled as she enjoyed watching Rei squirm. Then suddenly as the fury left her in a rush, releasing her hold and letting the girl breathe again. "I..." Ritsuko stumbled backward, "I'm sorry, it was just a joke..."

Rei looked up at he with eyes both innocent and wise, and Ritsuko felt her excuses fall away. She had, for a moment, wanted to kill this girl, kill her for telling the simple truth. 'And why am I surprised she knows?' she wondered, 'It's not like I've been all that descrete.'

"I'm sorry," Ritsuko repeated, "I've been so busy, I..." Rei looked at her, a single pained tear rolling down her cheek. With a surprising amount of gentleness Ritsuko, "Don't forget to watch you mouth, Rei."

"Yes, ma'am," Rei answered quietly.

"I'm the one who keeps your body alive," Ritsuko said in thinly veiled warning, for the first time really considering what a mixed blessing that job was.

After Rei left the medical lab Ritsuko sat there a moment, letting knowledge and memory bubble up with unreasonable emotion. 'Why did I do that?' she wondered, 'how could I have let myself lose control like that?'

Ritsuko got up from where she had collapsed on a stool, walking back to her office to sit in her chair behind her desk in the dark. 'No,' she admitted, 'I know exactly why.'

Jealousy was a clever beast, striking out when you least expected it. As unsatisfying as Ritsuko found her relationship with Gendo at times, she was still possessive of it, and jealous of anyone else having his attention. The situation with Rei, of course, was even more complicated than it would appear.

On one hand Rei was in a way Gendo's daughter. He looked after her in a parental way, guided her life and was protective of her intersts. Of course, only Ritsuko, Gendo and a few technitians knew that in fact Rei was a clone of Yui Ikari, grown in part with material extracted from the Angel beneath NERV, Lilith.

'Am I competing with the daughter for a father's affections?' Ritsuko mused, 'Or am I trying to steal a husband from his wife?'

"Ma'am?" a voice called as someone switched on the light. Maya Ibuki stood in the doorway, the black haired young woman looking at Ritsuko with honest worry.

'I wonder how I look?' Ritsuko wondered as she sat up. "Sorry," she said as she straightened her clothes a bit, "I was lost in thought."

"Of course," Maya agreed diplomatically. The slim young woman walked in tentatively, holding her clipboard protectively as she asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

Ritsuko felt a flash of annoyance as she said, "No, I'm fine." Seeing Maya wince a bit she sighed, "Just some personal stuff I'm dealing with."

"Ah," Maya looked uncomfortable.

'Add someone else to the list who knows about my sleeping with Gendo,' Ritsuko thought with some bitterness. "Was there something you wanted?" Ritsuko asked coldly.

Maya paled visibly. "Just drop[ping off these documents," she passed them over, "excuse me." With that Maya all but fled, leaving Ritsuko all alone once more.

'She didn't deserve that,' Ritsuko got up, running a hand tiredly through her hair. Making a decision she strode out of the office while thinking, 'I'd better get out of here before I do any more damage.'

Leaving NERV and traveling home left Ritsuko with a churning feeling of restlessness, a need to be doing something. Returning to her bedroom she cast aside her lab coat and uniform and rummaged around in her closet, finding a nice dress and fancy shoes. A bit of perfume and styling her hair and she was ready to go, disappearing into the night.

Later that evening, the sound of a ringing phone woke a not too sound sleeper. "You have got to be kidding me," Misato Katsuragi grumbled, the black haired young woman fumbling for her phone. Finally grabbing it she demanded, "What?!"

"Uh, Major? This is Shigeru Aoba." the voice answered nervously.

"Urgh," Misato winced as she sat up, her father's cross dangling between her breasts. "Is it a Angel attack? Are we on alert?" she demanded.

"No, it's not that," Shigeru answered.

"Then what the hell are you waking me up at," Misato peered at the clock by her bed, "at one o'clock in the morning?!"

"Ma'am, it was either call you or Fuyutsuki," Shigeru sighed, "and if I call him, she'll get into real trouble."

"She?" Misato asked as she scrambled for her clothes, not even noticing the familiar pull of the scar on her chest.

"It's Dr Akagi," Shigeru finally explained, "she's down town, in a bar, and I'm pretty damn sure she's drunk out of her mind."

"Crap," Misato cursed softly, knowing if Ritsuko let something classified slip while drunk it could get her arrested, or possibly even killed Dressing quickly she asked, "You there, and which club is it?"

"We're both at the Pink Flamingo lounge," Shigeru sounded faintly embarrassed, "in new Shinjuku district. You can get to it by..."

"I've been there before," Misato finished wiggling into a skirt and tossed on her cleanest blouse. "Can you keep an eye on her?"

"I'll do my best," Shigeru promised.

"All right, I'll be right there," Misato promised before she hung up. Hurriedly she ran out of the bedroom, pausing only to leave a note in case either Shinji or Asuka woke up, then slipped her shoes on and was out the door.

'Ritsuko isn't one to over indulge,' Misato thought as she hurried to her car, 'I wonder what's wrong?' With her customary ignoring of speed limits and traffic laws, Misato cut across town in minutes, pulling in front of the brightly lit club in a squeal of tires.

Inside, the lighting was dim and the atmosphere smokey as men and women drank and talked with a fatalistic intensity. Those living and working in Tokyo-3, confronted day by day by the threat of the Angels, all soon found themselves going in one of two directions. Some became defiant, determined to fight, and others became depressed and accepting of their fate.

'Tonight,' Misato thought as she weaved through the crowd to the bar, 'it mostly looks like the second type are out.' A hand grabbed her arm and Misato stopped, turning only to sigh, "It's you, Shigeru."

"Thanks for coming," Shigeru said, the brown haired young man's hair falling to his shoulders in a messy way. He looked much grungier out of his NERV uniform, dressed in jeans and a untucked t-shirt.

"Where's Ritsuko?" Misato asked, already feeling the eyes of the bar patrons on her.

"Back corner," Shigeru nodded to a concealed alcove made by plants and seats, "she's already had to fend off one pick up artist."

With a frown Misato noted, "Maybe she wants to get picked up?"

Shigeru met her eyes as he said uncomfortably, "Maybe, but that drunk, she is sure to regret it in the morning."

Misato sighed, "Yeah, you're right." She reached out to pat him on the shoulder, "I'll handle it, and thanks for calling."

Shigeru smiled slightly, "No problem."

The scent of cigarette smoke and wine mingled in the air as Misato walked to the corner booth as yet another guy tried to pick up Ritsuko. "You know," the tall brown haired man purred, "a pretty lady like you shouldn't be out alone."

"She's not alone," Misato said as she elbowed by him and took a seat across from Ritsuko in the booth, "she's with me."

He frowned at Misato then turned to Ritsuko, "Why don't you send your friend home, I have a nice 2000 wine chilling with my dinner, we could..."

"Bug off," Ritsuko sighed as she crushed a cigarette out.

He smiled as charmingly as he could, "You don't really mean that..."

MIsato shifted then brought her leather boot's heel down on his foot, hard. "She doesn't want you," she told him, "and before you try anything, I have another heel and I know where to put it so it'll really hurt. Understood?"

"Bitch," he groaned as Misato lifted her boot and he stumbled away.

"Not bad," Ritsuko said with drunken cheer as she drank some of her wine, "but what the hell are you doing here?"

Misato was tempted to take the glass away from her, but the look in Ritsuko's eye implied she'd fight for it. "Someone at NERV saw you getting blasted," she replied simply, "thought you might need a hand getting home."

"Ah, NERV," Ritsuko sighed, "full of such caring people."

"This isn't your usual style," Misato gestured to the empty glasses scattered around the table, "what's going on?"

Ritsuko finished her drink, setting the glass down with a thump. "Why," she met Misato's eyes, "does anything have to be wrong? Maybe, after a hard day of working in a place I'm beginning to loathe I needed to relax with a stiff drink?"

"You don't loathe it," Misato said with more confidence than she felt. The last few weeks had seen her realize more and more that she didn't trust her superiors at NERV, didn't really understand their objectives and just didn't know what was going on.

"Then maybe," Ritsuko took her bottle of wine and poured another glass, "maybe I loathe myself." She drank with a odd sort of desperation, trying to numb the pain then met Misato's eyes with ones shimmering with unshed tears, "Misato, you have no idea what I've done, what I've let myself become."

Misato looked into her eyes, thinking of the bitter moment when she had realized that Ritsuko had been lying to her. Then she remembered their time in college, their friendship over the years, and her decision was easy.

Reaching out Misato gently pried the glass from Ritsuko's grip then took her hand as she said, "Then let me help."

Ritsuko looked down at their joined hands then up at Misato. Thinking of what she had nearly done to Rei she murmured, "It may be too late for me."

"If I've learned anything in this line of work we're in," Misato gently squeezed Ritsuko's hand in hers, "it's never too late."

Ritsuko nodded slightly, a weak smile lifting her lips, "Thank you."

The End...?

Inspired by reading the Eighth graphic novel of Eva and Breaktherules recent Eva fanfic. Heh.


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